I am bright enough to know my presence puts a rein on these two fillies.  They want to have fun.  They said they were only going to be a couple of hours and did I mind.  I hope I made it obvious that I wanted them to go and enjoy themselves, that I would have no trouble filling the time and tried to alleviate any little guilt I knew they felt leaving me behind.  I truly wanted them to experience it fully without having to worry about me.

I've learned something during this short stay with Karen.  It's endearing to see the enjoyment she's having visiting San Miguel and how much Nancy is finding her fun to be around and more importantly liberating.  They laugh a lot and have no trouble filling the days with interesting and fun things to do.  For me it is not so easy, but I am trying to make the best of it. My comfort zone is my cocoon in Huntsville where I now know so many people who treat me like a normal human.  I'm encouraged that many are getting better at understanding my attempts at English and are genuinely kind in their acceptance of my disabilities.  I have my routines and they serve me well.  That's not to say I couldn't do the same elsewhere but I have no desire to try.  I'm content with life in Huntsville. I like the people, the town and their acceptance of me.  Huntsville Online has been a saviour.  Considering the cards I've been dealt I am happy playing the hand and would never consider folding. 

This stop in San Miguel is for Nancy . She loves it here and I want her to get the most out of it.  I see my role as support; getting out of the way, doing what I can to keep the trailer road worthy and working the Online.  I also see it as a break for Nancy.  I realize it is wearing having to witness my struggle and be the go to person. 

For those who don't know let me outline what she has to put up with.  I can't eat food but only drink meals when they have been blended into a puree.   Ever since the surgery a big part of my day is taken up ensuring I nourish myself and because I don't have any appetite like the rest of you I have to slot times to feed and remember to do it.  I am down to the weight I had in high school.  I also can't swallow my heavy saliva.  That's a result of the radical radiation I underwent as the first modality.  So it's gross to have to watch me constantly swab out my mouth but it is something people around me have to accept so I don't drowned in my own spit.  I also have to constantly clear my mouth so any attempt I make at talking is done optimally.   But having said all that, I want to make it very clear, the last thing I am looking for is pity.  I gladly accept these challenges as the price I have to pay to stay alive.  I can even joke about the fact that making myself understood is like being locked in a never ending game of charades. 

So for Nancy not having to hang around me all the time and having Karen here to share the discoveries is a great liberator from the burden of a handicapped husband.  I think I've dealt with these disabilities as best I can and instead of hiding under the covers, I get out there and engage life in the only way I know how . . . without hesitation.

So I stayed back at the RV park, finished tomorrow's entry, did the picture and uploaded it all, walked the dogs did some research on a new article and went to bed at nine still needing to top up the batteries.  They had said they were going to be a couple of hours but I knew better and went to bed at nine.

At ten thirty Nancy returned after what she described as a surreal experience.  I was happy for her.  She had enjoyed a marvelous dinner and a few Margaritas that must have helped open a flood gate of emotions and pent up feelings.  She was not inebriated but lubricated enough to mention she is thinking of moving to Toronto full time in the fall and asked me what I thought of the idea.  In the conversation that followed I thought enough about 'the idea'  not be able to sleep; to get up at 1:30 and in semi darkness and with the chill of the night time air write about  how I love her; how dealing with this cancer has been as hard on her as it has been for me; how serious disease not only affects your health but all of those around you.  I thought about how much of a partner she has been through it all; how she deserves better and how I have hope on many levels.

David Harris is the editor and publisher of the Huntsville Online.